Questions & Answers

I commend you for your continuing desire to serve the spiritual needs of your boyfriend. And I am also sad because he does not seem at this time to be really open to learning more about the Savior and his Word.

You ask what you can do. There are a number of things that might be recommended:

Keep the matter in your prayers, and ask that the Lord use one or more other Christians to make an impact on your friend's life in addition to you.

Keep treasuring your relationship with Jesus and his Word and do not let your friend's indifference to Christ or despising of the Bible negatively influence you. Three years of dating an unbeliever can bring powerful temptations to compromise God's truth and your faith. I believe concerns are appropriate.

Most of all, continue in a simple, loving, and kind way to testify to your friend's sinfulness and need for a Savior and then tell him what Jesus Christ has done for all of us sinners with his innocent life and death on our behalf. In short, continue to use law and gospel and trust the Holy Spirit to use that to change his heart.

Finally, be prepared to terminate your dating relationship if your spiritual life is negatively impacted. I will grieve with you over the loss of your friend, but will rejoice that you have chosen the more important thing by far.

I appreciate your attitude and agree that there is great value in serving as a peacemaker rather than as someone who contributes to unnecessary arguments. The encouragement of Romans 12:18 will never go out of style.

My frustration in trying to answer you is that I am ignorant of the kind of topics that apparently stimulate disagreements and I do not know you or the relatives at all—so I must speak only in very general terms. Here are some broad but helpful principles to keep in mind:

• Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (see James 1:19-20). Really listening to others is one of the most challenging things, especially if you believe the information is inaccurate or the speaker is less than loving when speaking to you. Concentrate on information that you don't already have. Nod your head to affirm that you are listening. Place your need to understand before your desire to be understood.
• Measure your words, respond softly and courteously, and make your goal to serve other people, not to impose your ideas on them (see Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 15:18). Bite your tongue if you find yourself tempted to say anything that may be perceived to be condescending or loveless. It is often helpful to use the other person's name and to ask for clarification—we are told that people usually respond in a calmer emotional state if they hear their own names. 
• If, as you suggest, there is cause for your apologizing, do it straightforwardly and sincerely. Keep in heart and mind what God has done for you in Jesus Christ—you are a forgiven sinner and citizen of heaven. So while there is a risk (socially, emotionally) in apologizing to others, if it's the right thing to do, it's the right thing to do. Besides, you have Someone who looks out for your best interests. The Lord will take care of your own emotional needs. Ponder the practical advice given in Romans 12:14-21. Love as the Lord has loved you first.
• Talk with your pastor who knows you and with whom you can share specific examples.

Competent pastoral counsel normally requires that the person offering counsel knows personally the people being counseled. In a question like yours, this is especially true. You and your boyfriend should be speaking with your pastor. Here I can only share general information that should be of some help to you, but cannot take the place of face-to-face pastoral counseling.

Attitude is everything, as they say, and aside from your shared reliance on Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord (the highest attitude), you do yourselves a favor by pondering passages like these very seriously and discussing them very straightforwardly: Ephesians 5:3-5; Colossians 3:5,6; Hebrews 13:4,5; and 1 Thessalonians 4:1-5. God has high standards for his dearly loved people, quite different from the standards of our culture.

Here are additional observations to consider:

The Bible does not explicitly answer your "How far is it acceptable to go?" kind of question largely because our culture's style of courtship was not prevalent in Bible times. Back then, the normal marriage age, parental involvement in spouse selection, more consistent mores in society, and more firm civil penalties helped to safeguard young people from inappropriate external behavior to a greater degree than the customs that prevail today. So don't expect the Bible to give you an explicit answer in so many words.

There are so many dividends to premarital chastity. These include (1) maintaining a clear conscience before God, (2) fostering a mutual respect with each other, (3) developing a stronger relationship, and (4) avoiding or minimizing potential spiritual offense to others. All of these inevitably point to being content and seeing the wisdom of less sexual activity rather than more. A Christian conscience should be actively testifying to this as well.

To maintain an appropriate level of ethical premarital activity, the following points may be useful:

• Consciously and openly discuss and express the degree of commitment/propriety.
• Communicate and maintain agreed on limits that reflect a high view of love, respect, and responsibility.
• Seek out and plan situations and company to prevent undue difficulties and temptations (Remember the "flee" word in 1 Corinthians 6:18 and 2 Timothy 2:22).
• "Foreplay" is just that, so don't do it. Recall the principle of diminishing returns.
• Upon engagement, set a realistic wedding date. Avoid what will soon be regretted.
• Do not forget the enduring gifts of grace: repentance and forgiveness, prayer and new resolve to a life of holiness, perseverance and character through trials.
• If a moral lapse occurs, repentance and forgiveness remain as divine gifts. Do not assume that marriage must follow for this reason. Do not let the sin fester for years; it will.